Let me clear something up right from the jump—I was raised to show empathy. Hold the door. Offer a tissue. Say, “That’s terrible, I’m so sorry,” like I was reading a script. But feeling it? Letting someone else’s heartbreak weigh on me? Nah. That wasn’t part of the lesson plan.

And you know what? It worked for a while. College was all about the hustle—money was tight, ramen wasn’t an option because my blood pressure was already too damn high, and my aunt was loading me up with dirty rice by the pound every weekend because freshman year had me in a chokehold. So if you were crying in the dorm lounge about your roommate drama? I was probably just nodding along while shoveling that dirty rice in like it was a personal challenge. Sympathy? Oh, I had that down to a science. The polite head tilt. The “aww, that’s rough” on loop. Sympathy was easy. Sympathy was safe.

But empathy? The emotional side of empathy? Girl, I cut that out of my life like a bad spleen. Because actually feeling someone else’s pain? That’s messy. That’s heavy. That meant getting in the trenches and letting someone else’s heartbreak take up space in my chest. And at that time? I didn’t have the capacity for that. Or at least, I thought I didn’t.

But this is how I learned anyway—and how you can too. 💪

My Empathy Teacher

Then I became a teacher. And let me tell you, teaching doesn’t leave much room for fake empathy. It’ll strip that polite mask off your face real quick.

That’s when Crystal came along. She was a teacher too—my saint, my Godsend, the one who taught me that empathy isn’t about some job description. It’s about seeing people, really seeing them, even when you’re exhausted.

Crystal didn’t just ask if I was okay—she saw me. She paid attention to the things that mattered, like that time she brought me a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts—yes, Krispy Kreme in Houston, where the whole city would throw hands for Shipley’s—because she knew I loved Krispy Kreme. But it wasn’t just one time. Sometimes, I’d walk into my classroom, flick on the lights, and there they’d be—an entire dozen, plus a handwritten note.

Here’s the wild thing: I don’t even think she knew how much those gestures meant to me. She didn’t know I’m a natural crybaby. She didn’t know I have a deep, private love for written words—how they land in my chest and stay there long after the donuts are gone. But she didn’t need to. Her actions spoke straight to those places anyway, without her even realizing it. That’s what made it so real.

She gave me space to feel what I needed to feel, to take in the gravity of the action and the words without anyone else’s eyes on me. And let me tell you, I’d be in that classroom at 6:45am, crying while shoving 3600 Krispy Kreme Kalories(pun absolutely intended 😂) into my face—because that’s what being seen feels like.

It’s action plus emotion. That’s what makes it real and that’s what makes it stick.

When you let yourself feel—even just a little—you learn how to tap into that same energy for someone else, even if it’s a completely different situation. You don’t have to have the same life story to understand the feeling of being scared, or overwhelmed, or alone. You just have to let that feeling guide how you show up for someone else. That’s how you become the person who doesn’t just do empathy. You live it.

Crystal, THANK YOU. ❤️

Empathy vs. Sympathy—Let’s Clear This Up

Let’s pause for a second, because I know this is where some of y’all get stuck. Let’s talk about empathy vs. sympathy.

Sympathy is that safe, scripted move. You see someone hurting and you say, “Damn, that’s rough.” You’re watching from the bleachers, safe in your own little bubble. You feel sorry for them, but you’re not climbing in the ring.

Empathy? Empathy is getting down there with them. It’s not just “I’m sorry that happened”—it’s “I’m here with you, and I’ll help carry this weight if you need me to.” It’s messy, it’s active, and it’s real.

Ways to Build Empathy (Even If You Weren’t Raised With It)

Alright, so how do you actually build this empathy muscle—especially if you weren’t raised to do it? Here’s what worked for me:

✅ Start with the Action
You don’t have to feel it to do something that says, “I see you.” Bring them that coffee. Write the note. Offer the small, kind gesture.

✅ Let the Emotions Catch Up
Actions open the door—emotions will catch up. The more you practice showing up, the more your heart will soften.

✅ Use What You Know
If someone’s been late because of a sick kid, don’t make them say it again. Show them you’re paying attention. Adjust accordingly.

✅ Suspend the Judgment
Don’t rush to fix. Don’t make it about how you would handle it. Just be there.

✅ Offer, Adjust, Repeat
Empathy isn’t a single move. It’s an ongoing practice. Keep showing up, keep checking in, keep letting them know: “You’re not a burden.”

✅ Honor Their Humanity
Empathy is about letting them be a whole human. You don’t have to fix it. You don’t have to have the perfect words. Just be there. 🌱

Leading with Empathy

Let me tell you something I know for sure: you don’t have to be raised to show or feel empathy. That’s the truth. You can learn it. Hell, you should learn it—especially if you’re leading people. Because here’s what a lot of leaders miss: empathy isn’t about being some magical empath who just feels it all the time. It’s about going first.

If you’re waiting for someone to come to you and spell out exactly what they need, you’re making them do all the heavy lifting. You’re basically saying, “Yeah, I see you’re struggling, but I’m still making you do the work to make me feel okay about it.” And baby, that’s not empathy. That’s just laziness dressed up in a cheap suit.

Let’s be honest—some of y’all leaders get stuck in that blank stare zone. You see someone clearly hurting, and you freeze. You offer up that half-hearted “that sucks” (which, by the way, I never say because it’s as empty as a politician’s promise) and think that’s enough. It’s not.

Empathy, even if you’re not feeling it deep in your bones yet, starts with action. It’s your job to offer, not theirs to beg.

• Offer to shift deadlines.

• Offer to take something off their plate.

• Offer to just sit with them, even if it’s awkward as hell.

Because real empathy? It’s proactive. It says, “I’m not going to make you ask for help. I’m going to give it, and if that’s not what you need, I’ll adjust until I figure it out.”

You don’t need to have been raised with it. You don’t need to have it flowing naturally through your veins. But if you’re leading people? You have a duty to learn it. And not in some far-off, “someday” kind of way. You have a duty to implement it right now. Because the cost of not doing it? People feel like they’re disposable. They feel like they’re alone. And that’s when the real damage is done.

Your Turn

So here’s my challenge to you, whether you’re leading a team or just trying to be a better human:
Next time someone’s having a rough day—maybe they’re sick, maybe they’re grieving, maybe they’re just done—don’t just say, “What do you need?” and move on.

Offer something real. Be the one who says, “I see you. You’re not a burden. We’ll figure this out together.”

Because empathy? It’s not about loving the tears. It’s about loving people enough to stand beside them when the tears come.

You don’t have to have the perfect words. You don’t have to have the perfect fix. You just have to show up. Start with the actions, and the feelings will catch up. Because that’s what people remember—who showed up. Who paid attention. Who made them feel seen.

Choose just one thing to start with. Just one. That’s enough to change how you show up—and how you’re remembered. 💫

So yeah, I wasn’t raised to feel empathy. But I learned. And if I can learn? You can too.