Let me apologize now: this is not a quick read, but it is FULL of some good information.
Welcome to leadership. Your first job isn’t to talk about goals or processes. It’s to recognize the wounds your team carries and decide if you will make them worse or help them heal.
If you are here to critique every line, go ahead. You will find plenty. But if you are here to build real trust and lead like a human, you are in the right place.
So you’re taking over a new team and want insight on how to start? Let’s start with…
The Day Your Team Was Hurt
Imagine the day your boss—the one you love, I mean over-a-cliff Olivia Pope–style type of boss—says,
“I’m resigning.”
Your eyes widen and tears fall.
Depending on who you are in that room, you feel everything at the same time.
You’re holding your breath to see exactly why they’d break your heart at this time, this day, and who the hell you need to fight if they were pushed out. You’re already thinking, “Where do I get a poster board this quickly for the protest?”
But hear me: they chose to leave. Nobody pushed them out. They stepped down because they knew the team needed to grow beyond what they could give.
You vetted that leader as much as they vetted you. You saw them pull into the parking lot before sunrise and stay past sunset. You watched them grab donuts for the crew—and even swing by the gluten-free bakery to make sure everyone was covered. You saw them learn every name by heart and check in with a simple, “You okay? Need anything?” When you were sick, they sent you home without guilt—no pushing through, just rest and recovery.
Now a new leader is arriving, and you don’t get to choose them. You don’t get a say in their hire or a sneak peek at their résumé. You deal with the consequences of the company’s pick, whether you like it or not. You’ll have to learn their style, their priorities, their pace—and they might never take the time to learn yours.
You might expect they’ll tap someone from this team, someone who already knows each beat of the rhythm. Then the email lands. It’s a name you’ve never seen before.
And that, dear reader, is where your leadership journey begins.
The Interview Isn’t Over
Okay, just because you nailed the application (big deal in the season), survived the panel, and signed the contract doesn’t mean the real interview is done. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that vulnerable, high-stakes speed meet-and-greet is about to begin.
The moment you walk in, people have already scoped you out like the NSA and FBI combined—your LinkedIn, your social posts, even your old prom photos. Brace yourself for your past to go internally viral.
And your team? They’re all over the map:
The hopefuls are ready to give you a shot with cautious optimism.
The hurt still ache from the last leader’s sudden exit or the way they were let go; they’re clinging to the predictability they just lost.
The strategists are sizing you up to see how this change can help them advance their goals—think of them as the ones already mapping out their next move.
So you step into the room. You can feel the hesitation; no one wants to be the first to speak to you. They’re waiting on your opening move.
So here’s my advice to you when you stand and speak to your new team:
Your Opening Message Should Calm Fears
Your first speech makes or breaks trust and flames fear or calms it.
Fear is real in transitions because they fling you straight into the unknown. Remember Disney’s Frozen? They literally have a song called “Into the Unknown.” Blast that if you want, until you figure out where you landed. No but really, you're are walking into the unknown.
Your first team introductory speech has enough power to cause people to:
Slam the gas on their job hunt if they don’t see hope.
Hit pause if they sense a future worth sticking around for.
Scope you out for weaknesses to prove you don’t belong.
Some of those skeptics hold some serious sway. But your goal isn’t to win them over. It’s to show them respect from day one, in every decision, every word. Never stoop to anyone’s level. Lead up, not down.
So here’s a framework to calm those fears—because when people feel seen and safe, they eventually stop wrestling with doubt and start rallying behind you.
1️⃣ Peace Offering:
Be the first to make the early-morning donut run. Feed their belly—because even easing the grumpiness hunger causes helps. But beyond donuts, the small gestures—greeting people at the door, walking around, asking names, making quick small talk—are peace offerings in their own right. First impressions matter, so lead with kindness (and carbs).
2️⃣ Personal Insights:
You’ve shown the shiny you—LinkedIn highlights, perfect emails. Now get real. One of the ways leaders gain trust is by giving something away. Give away some insight to the messy parts of your life. Here’s the kind of raw stumble that builds connection:
I flunked out of college, felt lost and depressed until I found people who helped me piece my life back together. I juggled two jobs and a toddler at home, showed up exhausted to my first big meeting, and nearly passed out on the conference room floor.
Own that mess. Say, “I haven’t figured it all out yet, but I’m learning—and I’ll work every day to be better than I was yesterday.” That kind of brutal honesty commands a room and takes you off the pedestal you know you don’t have but they may think you have.
3️⃣ Acknowledge Facts & Unknowns:
It’s okay to admit you don’t have all the answers right now. They’re looking for them, but this can actually be reassuring. It tapers unrealistic expectations early and signals that you’re committed to listening and learning. It also sets the stage for real relationship building because it shows humility and a willingness to learn from the team’s experience. 🙋♂️
For example:
“Team, I’m still learning the lay of the land here—so I don’t have all the answers yet. What I do know is that I want to hear your perspectives before making any big calls.”
4️⃣ Sustained Transparency:
Expect to be transparent and be prepared to keep that going. The team probably felt in the dark during the transition, and now’s your chance to restore trust. Even if you have to make the final call, being open about what’s driving decisions helps people feel seen and valued. It says, “I may not have all the answers, but I’m not hiding anything either.” 🪞 I will make decisions, but they will be informed decisions that will respect the work already done before my arrival. It will feel easy to say, “oh, they won’t need me to explain this” as time goes on, but you’d be wrong. You’d be tired. Don’t grow to resent the very thing they need. But don’t stop. Delay the announcement if necessary, but don’t stop.
For example:
“Team, I want you to know exactly why I’m shifting our focus to Project X. The data shows we’re missing our targets, and I’ve reviewed the work you’ve already done. Here’s what I learned, here’s why this matters, and here’s my plan. I’m sharing this now so you see the full picture—and I want your feedback before we lock anything in.”
5️⃣ Hand of Partnership:
Extend the opportunity for every person on your team to make a difference. Don’t just say it—show it. Let them see how their ideas will be heard and how their work connects to the mission. Invite them to bring solutions, not just problems, and find ways to highlight their contributions publicly. When people know they’re seen and that their voice matters, they’ll rise to the occasion. 🤝
For example, in your opening speech:
“Over the next two weeks, I’m launching a listening-in-action tour. I want to meet with each of you one-on-one. Come ready with one pain point and one solution—no matter how big or small it seems. If we can implement it, I’ll credit you in front of the team. Most times, the people closest to the problem have the best fixes.”
This may seem like a lot, but it’s necessary to calm your team’s fears. It’ll ease your transition when they see you aren’t the all-knowing Wizard of Oz or The Wiz.
Now that you have the framework for your opening message, what you do next matters just as much. Let’s get to work.
Day 2 Onward: Spot the Patterns Before Uprooting Weeds
Let me say this as plain as I can:
There is bad in every single company, every school, every nonprofit, every trendy startup, and yes... even knitting circles. Don’t let the yarn fool you because there’s drama and beef there too.
That’s why your next job isn’t to rush in and fix things. It’s to listen, unpack, listen again, and unpack some more. I’m calling that “listen-unpack-repeat.” Not cute, but effective. You’re not reacting just yet. You’re observing. You’re learning the patterns, the pain points, and the power dynamics. You’re doing a soil test before you plant anything new or pulling any of the overgrown weeds.
I’ll go deeper into this in an upcoming article called “Listening Tours and How to Do Them Effectively,” but for now, let’s treat this like your one-stop shop.
Spotting the real dysfunction in a team takes a lot more than just “having good instincts.” It takes self-awareness, pattern recognition, empathy, and a whole lot of root cause analysis. You’ve got to look past the symptoms, past the overgrown weeds and ask, “What’s really fueling this?” If you need guidance here and I got you!
Start by cross-checking two things:
Where do we want to go?
Where are we right now?
That gap in the middle? That’s where the habits live! The ones keeping your team stuck. It could be cliques, side conversations, unclear decision-making, burnout, over-reliance on one or two people, broken trust… or all of the above. Probably all of the above, dear gardner.
But before you go labeling something “a problem” or “a weed” use these questions to ground yourself:
Would I want this to be repeated on every team I lead?
Is this just one person or is it systemic?
Have expectations actually been made clear, set, and enforced — or are folks just guessing?
Do I just personally dislike this — or is it actually creating inequity, confusion, or harm?
This helps you sort out the difference between discomfort and dysfunction. Because yes, sometimes what rubs you the wrong way is just a different flavor — not a red flag.
The key is not assuming. Just because something looks like a problem doesn’t mean it’s yours to fix right away. And just because something seems harmless doesn’t mean it’s not costing your team peace or progress.
Patterns of Behavior You’ll Likely Encounter
Now, I’m not saying you should box people in. This isn’t about putting folks into rigid categories. We're not here to weaponize insight — we’re here to inform how we lead until we learn more and more about each person.
The FBI has profilers. Therapists use client maps. Teachers adjust for learning tendencies. Leaders? We read behavior — not to label, but to understand. Behavior tells a story, and if you listen closely, it’ll help you respond with compassion and strategy.
So for simplicity, I’ve named these patterns, not people, because sometimes leadership needs to call things what they are before we call them forward.
The Structure Seeker
They believe in order, process, and hierarchy. Authority is respected by default, no questions asked. These folks are often the glue of the team — they keep things running and steady, but they may struggle with ambiguity or big shifts. Earn their trust by being consistent and clear.The Energy Translator
They’re the vibe reader. They might’ve nailed the interview because of their amazing personality, but don’t get it twisted — they often know exactly what’s going on before anyone says it. They’re coachable, intuitive, and carry influence you can’t always measure in data. Learn from them.The Disillusioned
They’re not mad at you... they’re just tired. Burned by bad leadership, ignored too many times, or watching the same cycle repeat. They don’t trust easily, and they might test you. But they’re also holding the receipts. Show them you’re different — don’t tell them.The Steady Doer
They show up, do their job, and go home. Quiet. Reliable. Often overlooked. But if you slow down and really talk to them, you’ll find untapped insight. Sometimes they’ve just learned not to speak up because nobody ever listened before.The Sensor
They feel things before others say it out loud. They notice the tension, the fatigue, the joy, the shift in team energy. They’re emotionally attuned, and if you listen to them, you’ll catch issues while they’re still whispers. But if they burn out? It’s a red flag.
And let me be clear — none of these patterns exist in isolation. People are multi-layered. They can shift depending on the environment, their season of life, or how safe they feel with you as a leader.
You’ll meet folks who carry the structure of a Rule Follower but have a spark that’s dying to innovate. Or someone with Disillusioned energy who’s secretly watching to see if this time it’ll be different — if growth is possible again.
And yes, you’ll meet the Personality Hire who brings the vibes and also clocks you under the table with their work ethic. (Hi, that’s me. I bring the energy and the receipts.)
Now let’s shift to the bigger behaviors — not who people are, but what behaviors are showing up in the culture.
Let’s talk about the stuff that gets in the way.
Don’t Shock the System Before You Check the Pulse
Things like cliques, poor communication, and unchecked burnout don’t show up overnight — they grow in silence. Roll in guns blazing to clean house without first understanding why, and you’ll kill the team’s pulse and lose all your leverage.
Yes, you’ll spot some habits right away:
Constant lateness or absenteeism
Passive-aggressive emails
One person taking up all the airtime
Team members who disappear during the hard parts
But that’s just the surface. And this is where I give you the CPR rule! Not the medical one, but the leadership one. No AED involved!
Look. Listen. Feel.
Look for patterns that violate the values you want to reinforce — not just what's annoying, but what’s corrosive.
Listen to what’s said in meetings, in 1:1s, and especially in between the lines.
Feel the pulse. Don’t assume silence is peace. Some silences are just people giving up. Some noise is actually passion that’s been ignored.
Too many leaders come in with their little defibrillator, ready to shock the team before checking if there’s already a pulse. And baby, shocking a team that already has rhythm will certainly kill the vibe quick, fast and in a hurry.
And yes, sometimes there’s no clear pulse. But before you jump to “clean house,” create an intervention plan. Build trust. Ask questions. See what life is still under the surface. That’s real leadership. It’s not about fixing — it’s about stewarding the environment you just entered.
Lean Into What’s Already Good
Not everything is a hot mess express.
Trust and believe my words! Sometimes it feels like nobody knows what they’re doing, like the last boss was just letting things run wild while ignoring every policy in sight. But how it feels and what it actually is can be two very different things. So, look for the good. And if you can’t find any good in the chaos? You’re not looking hard enough. You may just want to look like the saviour but you’d perform anything but miracles.
One of the quickest ways to lose trust, piss your team off, or just look like the asshole they already suspected you’d be is to disrespect the work they’ve already done. Period.
Before you got here, they were working. For months. Years, maybe. Late nights. Early mornings. Skipped lunches, missed kids’ recitals or games, passing up on some juicy rest just to get something close to right — and they did that without you.
And even though you weren’t there, guess what? You can still respect it.
You don’t have to love it. You don’t have to keep it all. But you do need to walk in with grace, humility, and a mouth that knows how to honor effort, even if the output needs work.
Here's how that sounds:
“Team, I can’t imagine how much work it took to get to this point. I wasn’t here to see it, but I honor that. When I spoke to some of the team, I heard that [insert names] spent countless hours to get it to this point. And I want to build on the work that’s been done. Change is coming, but we aren’t scrapping it. We’re refining it — so it lives up to what we need today. And I thank you for what you’ve done, and what you’ll keep doing.”
Now if you think you can wing that kind of message on the spot — don’t. Just don’t.
Prepare. That is someone’s baby, okay? You cannot walk in and call somebody’s baby ugly and offer to throw it out, even by accident. People quit over stuff like that. They might smile in the morning meeting and drag you in every group chat by noon. And you will have deserved it.
Celebrating the good doesn’t mean being fake. It means naming what works, what people built with pride, and making it clear that you’re bringing it into the future, not just deleting the past. Teams need to hear and see that their fingerprints are still on the blueprint.
Before You Hit the Books Hard, Lead With Grace
Now let’s talk about the books.
Rules. Expectations. Policies. Values. They’ve always been there — but maybe nobody’s enforced them in a while. And you might feel pressure to walk in and “tighten things up.”
Pause.
Before you hit the books hard, remember the good.
Remember: grace can get you further than anything if you know how to give it.
I’m not saying everyone gets a free “fuck up” pass. That’s not what this is. But if the team is operating without clear, reinforced expectations, and you suddenly clamp down without context? That’s on you. Accept accountability. Model it.
Until you've clearly established what the new standard is, you might have to adjust course with some folks before you roll it out to the full team when timing isn’t on your side.
Especially in that early stage, when you’re still listening and unpacking, you may need to redirect some people 1-on-1, give them the heads up, and lay the foundation for what’s about to become non-negotiable.
And When the Policy Violation Is Major…
Sometimes? Grace isn’t in the “what” but it’s in the how.
You might not be able to give a pass. But you can still give respect. That starts with truly hearing people out. Not to undo the consequence, but to see the person behind the policy slip.
You can still give the correction, but how are you going to sandwich it?
Where’s the path forward? That they know you will see past the mistake or lapse in judgement.
“Here’s what happened. Here’s why it can’t happen again. And here’s how I want to help you move forward — if you’re willing to do that work.”
It’s not soft. It’s structured dignity. And that sticks better than a cold policy ever will.
But when it is time to act system wide on your findings, just know that…
The Rollout Is the Relationship
Let me tell you something real quick. How you roll it out is how people will experience you. You can have the best vision in the world, the cleanest process, the flyest charts, and the cutest little bullet points. But if the team feels blindsided, ignored, or steamrolled, none of that matters.
Because the rollout? That is the relationship.
That’s the moment folks decide, “Can I walk with you or do I need to watch you?” Because in this moment…
This Ain’t the Time to Flex
You do not need to come in day one and start dropping changes like mixtapes. This ain’t your “prove yourself” moment. This is your “we will build something together” moment.
You want them to know:
What’s changing
Why it’s changing
How it honors the work that’s been done
How you’re gonna support them through it
And that you’re still listening — for real, not performative listening
Don't be that leader who does it all at once and then walks away like, “Whew! That’s done!” Nah baby, that’s just beginning. And…
Grace Still Applies Here Too
If you drop something brand new, and folks act funny, don’t take it personally right away. People ain’t always resisting — sometimes they’re just tired, sometimes they’re scared, sometimes they’ve been through five changes in a year and yours is number six.
So don’t lead with energy like, “Get on board or find somewhere else to work.” Lead with:
“I know this is different. I know we’re still figuring it out. But I want to do this with you, not to you.”
Big difference.
Soft Ain’t Weak, It’s Strategy
Let me say this plainly: you can be clear and still be kind. You can be firm and still lead with respect. Sometimes it’s just about how you say it.
And yes, there are non-negotiables.
Yes, there are lines you can’t cross.
But how you do hold people accountable? That can still come with dignity.
That’s grace too. That’s how you get people to stay in the game, not just follow the rules because you’re standing over them with a clipboard.
But remember, capacity for change and ability to change are different. Timing matters here too.
Ease In. Test Stuff. Talk Often.
Please don’t do that thing where you drop 10 new things on a Monday and then ask for feedback two weeks later like, “How’s it going?”
Ease in. Pilot it with someone you trust. Test it with the folks who give real feedback. Build off that. And talk to people. A rollout with no communication is just chaos with a PowerPoint.
And If They Push Back? That’s Info. Not Disrespect.
If someone pushes back, don’t puff your chest up like they questioned your authority. Ask why.
Ask:
“What feels hard about this?”
“What are you worried this might take away?”
“What would help this feel better to roll out?”
People want to feel like they still matter in the middle of change. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
You don’t build trust during the smooth seasons. You build it during the change. So if you’re gonna bring something new? Bring it like you actually want people to stay and thrive inside of it.
That’s leadership. That’s how you roll.
Use What’s Helpful, Don’t What’s Not
You might have read all this and thought, “I know this and I’ve done all this.” If so, here is your sticker. Seriously. You’ve clearly been in the game and you’ve grown.
But if you read this and really found places you need to grow… if you’ve experienced some of this before but didn’t understand the why until now… if you’re seeing others through this reading and thinking, “Dang, I didn’t realize that’s what they were trying to do”—then I hope you apply this. Not “one day,” not “next semester,” not “once my plate clears.” Actually plan. Actually build it out. Talk through it with somebody you trust. Don’t just sit with it and say, “That was deep.” Be about it.
You thought we were gonna end on a high? Nope. Just like therapy, sometimes you leave realizing how much work you’ve got ahead of you. And honestly, that’s the point. That’s the sign you’re in the right space. That’s the sign you care.
Now go lead with heart.
Be Human. Be Coachable. Be Better.
